Your Weekly Horoscope


Aries - You under go a deep existential crisis this week when God decides that you aren't real.


Taurus - Your self esteem plummets drastically after being told that the country will be voting on one of four new flags to replace you.


Gemini - After a 2 year long rap feud with Dr Dre you reconcile. Sadly it is because you find out you have aids.


Cancer - Legal proceedings are undertaken with your parents for their forcing a lifetime of  broccoli upon you even though they knew that it would 'put hair on your chest'.


Leo - The lyrics to the Queen song 'We will rock you' become stuck in your head as villagers throw stones at you as punishment for stealing a loaf of bread.


Virgo - Effort is made to contact your ex sexual partners after finally realising that you weren't a virgin but in fact a Virgo and that you have gonorrhea.


Libra - The movie adaptation for your life story has been green lit by Fox. However you are not sure if Vince Vaughn is the right actor to play you or to play any role in any movie or TV show ever.


Scorpio - If Darth Vader is your father then who is that guy that you have been calling 'Dad' for the past two decades then?


Sagittarius - You're children will laugh at you for not knowing how to use your Ipad. You will laugh at them for not knowing how to use the washing machine, oven, lawn mower, kettle, vacuum cleaner, book etc etc


Capricorn - You will reconnect with an old love this week. Your friends and family may not approve because she died 7 years ago but that doesn't mean that you can't still make it work.


Aquarius - If love makes the world go around then your hatred should stop it turning right around lunchtime, Tuesday.


Pisces - Sorry. We completely misinterpreted your pleas for company this week with the equivalent of $10,000 shares in Fonterra.


Virgo - No one cares about you Virgo, least of all us.