Top Reasons to Hate a Tauranga Summer




If we can be sure of one thing other than it will be fucken hot - it is that Tauranga will be infested with fat wallet, gourmet food eating, craft beer drinking Auckland wankers descending on our city. Staking claim to beach front mansions across the Mount Maunganui/Papamoa sand spit and reminding ourselves that because of our relatively low paying jobs and inability progress in life we will never amount to much more than 3 bedroom cinderblock house renting, 8-5pm working, last years fashion wearing nothings.




I think we can all agree that children are great - when they aren't ours, spend most of their lives in the prison that is school and have overly protective parents who do not let them out of the house. But come the Christmas/Summer holidays kids are everywhere. Their shrill, glass cutting voices bleating at their brow beaten parents. Running rampant between legs like Buffalo stampeding. And leaving their filthy fingered mess in trail of destruction around the city. 


Good Looking People:


Yeah we get it. You think you look great. Congratulations on spending Autumn, Winter and Spring secluded in the Gym working on that six pack while the rest of us were enjoying ourselves drinking a six pack. Way to spend your Daddy's life savings on a set of plastic hooters that will give you a lifetime of crippling back pain. Kudos on making the rest of us feel awkwardly uncomfortable in your presence lest we accidentally look in your direction and you think we are perverted. 




Thanks for making my wheezing nose sniff and sneeze like I have just ingested 3 lines of Colombian cocaine. Oh yeah and cheers for reminding me that my garden is a mess and that the old ladies next door is immaculate. And much gratitude for reminding me that your short life cycle is oddly reminiscent to my own and that I too will grow only to wilt and die. 




In fairness these perma tanned, brine soaked, matted haired chill dudes get on my tits year around but come summer I can't seem to find a wave that doesn't feature a 6 foot piece of fibreglass aimed directly at my head. Well jokes on you duuuddddeeee. With La Nina in full effect warming the oceans and flattening the seas. You have only Shark attacks and a whole lot of waiting to look forward to.




With summer comes BBQ's and with BBQ's comes Reggae. It could appear anywhere. At your local bar. On your Car radio. At your mates house. In the dairy. Round the corner at the party house you always walk a little faster in front of. No one is safe. One chord, no change, Jah loving music is a danger to us all. 


Jimmy Barnes


You can run from Jimmy. You can hide from Jimmy. But you can't escape from Jimmy. 




Actually, Melanoma aint so bad. In fact it will probably wipe out most of the people on the list I hate in about 3 years. So keep doing your thang you moley cancerous growth you.