What does the U.S Presidential Election mean for us?





The prospect of New Zealand elections (be it local body, general or just trying to nominate who is going to go do the beer run before the liqour shop closes) fills Kiwis hearts with a long, winding, dark, descent into the far reaches of apathy. But suddenly preface ‘election’ with U.S and tack a ‘Presidential’ on somewhere and suddenly everyone is a pocket expert on the subject and independently working for Reuters.


Maybe it’s our need to feel as though we actually matter and that we are a part of something greater and more impactful than deciding what a good national flag is… Or perhaps we are just sucked in by the pomp, glamour and circus of celebrity that always comes out during this time… It could even just be that we find the colours blue/red/white really pretty and want to build a nest with them….


Who really knows what the cause of this phenomena is but is all the debating, hollerin’ and moral outrage at every little sentence uttered justified or are we just a big bunch of know nothing, yet know it all charlatans who are secretly looking forward to getting back to talking exclusively about the Kardashians come late November?




And really, all boiled down - what does this election actually mean for us in little ol’ New Zealand?







- Better memes.


- More Mexicans immigrants swimming to NZ in order to build a better future for themselves and their families by mowing our lawns for below minimum wage.


- Helps to explain the subplot of the latest season of South Park. Though I’m still not sure which one is ‘The Douche’ and who is ‘The Turd Sandwhich’? Or is that the point….


- Brings back fine memories of that time Stone Cold Steve Austin stunnered Trump at Wrestlemania 23. Then leaves us with hope that at any moment Austin 3:16 could crash a debate, rally or public engagement to open up a fresh and frothing can of Whoop Ass on Trump again before building towards a PPV match with Hillary as the special guest referee.


- Increased, belly grabbing, goatee stroking ‘I am more educated that you ha ha ha’ sanctimony.


- If Trump wins he will turn the South Island into a golf course.


- If Hillary wins she will leak the contents of 30 years of forehead botox into the South Island waterways.  


- With Bill Clinton and Trump back in the spotlight and using their reawakened celebrity to yet again go on the lecherous prowl - women everywhere including here can no longer presume that their vaginas will be safe from arthritic, liver spotted, grabby hands.


- Less time watching the Bravo channel, more time watching CNN/FOX/ AL Jazerra. Therefore less time tuning out and turning off and thus actually enjoying life and more time being spiritually and mentally destroyed by the horrors of the modern world.


- Increased accusations that Trump is a hate monger’, unfairly persecuting and segregating those that are different. While personally making repeated threats to end friendships and or to ostracise anyone that supports Trump and his policies that therefore go against your own enlightened, personal political opinions.


- Anxiety over the fact that New Zealand will probably get ‘Fired’ before even making it to the top 10 of a special season of ‘Political Allies Apprentice’.


- Something about Bernie Sanders…. how he was robbed…man of the people… supports the poor and sick…..would have instigated proper change…. bank regulations…. blah… once paid for my petrol when I lost my Eftpos card…. blah…. helped Dr Richard Kimble to find the one armed man…. blah…. Scored the winning goal last Friday at social Volleyball… blah blah blah….


- Shows men everywhere that sometimes going bald is actually better than making a few whisps of implanted pubic hair work for you.


- Maybe that John Key guy isn’t actually that bad after all?


- We all seem pretty hyped for that Putin/Trumps self funded ‘Broke Back Mountain sequel.


- Teaches our next generation that voting really doesn’t make a difference.


- Reminds us that while we might see the elderly as feeble minded, simple souls, barely capable of tying their shoelaces and walking down to the dairy. Other countries such as the United States deem their aged as wise, knowledgeable types with the experience to lead their country and world decisively despite not knowing where they might be at any particular time, whether they may have accidentally pooed themselves and even though they cant see or hear anything within a 5m perimeter.



- Nothing, this election means nothing for to us. We can all justify our interest by saying that one candidate is worse than the other and that our cries will influence wider belief. But it won’t. People will vote for whom they want. Americans will vote for whom they want. They will vote for spurious reasons like ‘Hey, that’s that guy from that TV show’ or ‘He has lots of money so he will surely be great with our countries finances’ or ‘ She’s a woman and I’m a woman and she was married to the President so I think I’m going to vote for her’. Either way in November the American public will vote and after those votes are counted we will get a bungling inexperienced fool or a cunning careerist chameleon leading the free world. Both candidates have their considerable flaws and argue all you want but the impact their leadership will have will create the same level of negativity however different in manner reached. Yes Trumps a joke and Hillary is an evil shrew but can we just agree to stop with the memes, the links, the less than insightful commentary in order ‘To Make Facebook Great Again’ cause I’m really starting to miss the halcyon days of endless cute pet videos guys.