With the news of John Key stepping down mid way through his 3rd term as New Zealand Prime Minister we at TMS would like to take a moment to celebrate his greatest hits and even bigger misses.
The Letterman Hillbilly:
Appearing on the Late Show with David Letterman in 2009, John Key did his best to stereo type New Zealand back to the 1970's with his hick voice and bumbling delivery of cringe worthily unfunny one liners. Looking like Smeagol and coming across like a character on Flight of the Concords , New Zealanders truly hoped that any Americans watching would just presume that 'The crazy Australian Prime Minister is a bit backwards'.
John Key - His Masters Caddy:
Much was made of American President Barack Obama inviting John Key to join him for a round of golf and a bit of a chin-wag in Hawaii but we all knew the truth. John Key is the kind of number crunching nerd who could consecutively triple bogey an entire round by just looking at his golf ball. Luckily for him the course was closed to the press so we couldn't get any close up shots of John Key pretending to play when in actuality he was using his poindexter skills to calculate the best club and directions to capitalise on wind direction for his Master, Obamas perfect shot while gleefully caddying his way through 18 glorious America's butthole rimming holes.
With a face for radio you would think the man would also have the content. Coming across like New Zealands answer to Howard Stern whenever a microphone was waved in his face, Key would become our most controversial shock jock in repeatedly embarrassing appearances. Making tragic one liners about 'gay red shirts', off handed rape jokes and being a general buffoon - Key reminded us exactly why we traded Radio in for Podcasts and Spotify.
Can't remember the 2011 Rugby World Cup final, don't really care to remember it either. But how could I forget maladroit Johns ceremonial handshake fail. While All Blacks captain Richie McCaw was attempting to shake the hand of former World Rugby chair Bernard Lapasset, our super smooth Prime Minister completely misjudged his handshake cue. Like an elderly white man trying to shake hands with an urban street kid one could imagine how horribly wrong this went. Placing his hand over both McCaw and Lapassets, Key managed to shake two hands that were already midshake at once. It was the equivalent of walking in on a couple having sex and removing your pants and grabbing a titty in an attempt to join in.
$26million Flag Referendum:
In a time of budget deficits, housing crises and tightening wallets the National government somehow managed to find a spare $26mill to blow on Johnny boys legacy/vanity project. Sadly for his ego the NZ public rejected his bold dash for change and thus wasted a butt ton of money that would have been better spent on education, healthcare, the elderly, poverty, well anything other than a fucken new flag really.....
Max Key - Super Douche:
Maxy boy is one of those kids that I would have hated and done my best to mentally and physically torment at school. Popular not due to charisma or innate talent but instead because 'Daddy' is rich beyond belief. Money buys status, it buys Girlfriends, it buys DJ careers, it helps you to transform yourself from geeky little shit kicker into an overly tanned, pseudo muscular, wannabe model, Instagram whoring subject of mass derision and resentment. May this jizz sock of a human dry up and be discarded under a dusty bed somewhere soon now that Daddy is stepping away from the limelight.
Primary School Bully Key:
When I was in school if I pulled a girls hair it was probably some innocent and forgivable attempt at awkward flirting. When a man in his 50's does it - then it's gonna be called harassment... Featuring another nation shaming segment on late night American TV with the Daily Show lampooning our prime ministers lack of social decorum and noted inappropriateness. Personally I think John was just innocently attempting to pull some hair from this girls scalp to save for a later transplant date in order to cover up his own balding sniveling dome.
John Key - Man of the People:
Oh the TPPA. What we wanted was a trade deal with other Pacific nations, we demanded that our interests be pushed aside in order to favour big business, we said 'we are sick of our sovereignty, just take it', fuck the environment in fact, go on - undermine our existing laws and John Key - attentive lover that he is, listened. He heard our protests pleading for it. He saw our signs. He read the Graffiti. He heard us - the little man and did his best to give us what we wanted, the TPPA. Was a shame and the cause of national outrage when Donald Trump shit canned the process, we really really did want that deal.
You know it takes a real man of courage to walk out on a country mid way through a governing term where he has been elected by popular vote to run it. Yeah a man needs a big set to say, 'Nah the economy is fine. Earthquakes/Smurfcakes. Housing prices will drop one day. You'se will be fine. I just gotta quit so I can go to Ibiza with Maxy boy and create instagram videos while partying on my super yacht'....
Thing is, we gave Key assholes. Deservedly so perhaps but just remember he will soon be replaced by another spineless fool who will make exactly the same mistakes and say similarly stupid things - no matter which party they are aligned to. We will complain about them. Politicians are interchangeable. They are all inclined to be an object of derision - before we deified Helen Clark we used to mock her for being a man, David Lange was at one point a fat slob who helped knacker our economy. So just remember, they are all crooks/cheats and liars but every now and then one will come along that will perform a 3 way hand shake and yet again create a comedic balance in the world. So thanks John for being our nations greatest comedy character these past 14 years.