Bike Wankers


Bike Wankers, you know the kind. Not the sweet old lady with the basket filled with yarn riding her Raleigh 7 home after a day at her friend Agnes's house. Nor the sticky pawed, rotund little kids riding their BMX's on the pavement at 3pm after school. Not even the sad middle aged couple taking a 6pm ride around the block on their Mountain Bikes that cost more than my car. And I can forgive the fixie riding hipsters, the retro cruiser peddling hippies, the environmentally conscious suit wearing business man and Kev from the wharf who got caught drink driving last month and can't get a ride from his 'Missus' because he's 'in the dog house aye'.


Nope these people are ok by me. Good for them for trying to reverse their ever widening guts, for taking a moment to appreciate the outdoors and for reducing their carbon foot print. 


I ride a bike myself, I do so with courtesy. Why? Because I'm not a bike wanker.


The definition of Bike Wanker according to the Websters Dictionary is 'Someone who rides their bicycle, probably a racing bike with little or no consideration for others. Normally found in roaming packs and beclad in distinctive, cornea burning bright colours'.


You know  this type. Normally consisting of (but not limited to) men over the age of 35, dressed head to toe in package hugging iridescent coloured lycra, riding futuristic space aged road cycles and normally grouped with other Bike Wankers in numbers over 3. You will find these Bike Wankers sprawling all over the road as they ride 5 abreast and at a brisk pace like they have only one testicle , Lance Armstrongs bio in their fanny packs and a whole lot of steroids in their system. 


Well news flash Bike Wankers, you aren't competing in this years Tour De France - you are riding a bike in the Tauranga suburbs. And while i'm sure you think you look trim and great and that all that lycra and lack of body hair is  going to make you go super fast, it's not. I could go the same speed dressed in my normal shorts and shirt attire and all with the added bonus of not disgusting the general public with my sagging balls. Spend all the money you want on your ridiculously expensive bikes but you had better get a really good insurance policy because if you keep riding 5 abreast so you can uphold your end of the conversation with Pete in the back about inflation and low interest rates then you and your bike are going to become the next victim of Tauranga's newest serial killer - my car. This aint paper/scissors/rock, bike vs car - car always wins. If I ride a bike I am cognisant of this, I keep to the left as road rules advise us to do. I understand that cyclists wish to share the road with car drivers and that is fine but once you take up an entire lane travelling at half the speed a car would forcing these vehicles to pass into opposing traffic then please do not be upset and label us as the dangerous ones for beeping our horns and yelling out the window 'Bike Wankers' as it trails in the wind before slowly finding range in your lycra pup tent. 


 Cyclists and car drivers can co-exist. Normally we do. But with the Lycra prices at an all time low and Bike Wanker numbers steadily increasing it is becoming harder and harder not to collect one of these pathetic losers in the centre of your wind shield. So be careful this Christmas to avoid damaging your shiny new car, facing a manslaughter charge, or to even lose your voice from shouting insults at the hoards because Bike Wankers are everywhere and they aren't like you or I....