Self Abuse in Self Isolation - A Guide to Masturbating Your Way Through the Apocalypse

 

With the Covid-19 pandemic taking hold worldwide and confining many of us to our homes, it is a scary time for those coming to grips with how alone they now are. Luckily for them many of us are ‘hardened’ veterans who came to ‘grips’ with our solitary nature years ago and can help show them they way through this.

 

 

Masturbation: To some a deplorable act, one to be hidden from their friends, family and never to be spoken of outside of deathbed confessionals. To others a hobby on the verge of going professional. It is the latter who must look to through these dark times.

 

 

Already the masturbators among us have stood up, pressed forward and shown what doomsday prepping truly means by causing toilet paper shortages world wide. While the average citizen sat idly by laughing snidely at the sudden demand for toilet paper our heroic self abusers continued undeterred buying up handy towels, tissues, baby wipes and 1/2/3/4 ply, short/normal/long, scented/unscented, recycled/cycled bog rolls in order to catch a sperm bank load of jism.

 

 

Whilst others fretted about getting enough canned tuna and corn to last a month, the onerism aficionados loaded up on ‘joke’ pussy in a can. With the plebs fighting over the last bottle of hand sanitiser the spank machines strolled by and loaded their baskets with moisturiser. When the doors closed to the bars, liquor stores and brothels the tug team closed their curtains to the world and set to work. Leading the way for us all.

 

 

Now I know what some of you are thinking - “I don’t need no helping sticky hand”. And currently that may be so. But as the days/weeks/months of the apocalypse pass that girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, dog/goat you were so looking forward to isolating with will soon become as appealing as the couch. And then you will come begging, pleading for a dollop of KY and a couple of spare tissues to relieve that stress and help pass the time that seemingly refuses to pass.

 

 

So it is for you we write….

 

 

 

Where to masturbate:

 

One can never argue with doing so from within the comfort of your own home. Here your ungodly stockpile of Lavender scented toilet paper and aloe infused moisturiser will come into its own. If you are married or in a relationship and your liberty to do so at will has been rescinded then clear whatever room you want to soil by coughing, spluttering and with complaints of a fever coming on. This should buy you15-20minutes. Long time jerkers will already have their favourite chair, couch, kitchen bench, light fitting for which to do it in and within time we hope you too will be comfortable in your fortress of solitude.

 

It is true that to stop the spread of Covid-19 we must confine ourselves to our own homes but as our very own Prime Minster Jacinda Adern said we ‘are still allowed out to exercise’ and there is no finer form of exercise than playing a good ol’ friendly game of whack a mole. Currently there is no link between Covid-19 and transmission via copious amounts of cum. So jizz away. Do it on the beaches, do it on the roads, do it while talking to your neighbour [keeping a 2m distance of course]. But please when finished remember to disinfect any surface you may have touched and to wash your hands with soap and hot water.

 

 

What to Masturbate to:

 

 

Any true end times wanker would have been preparing for this for years/decades even. Hard copies stolen from their Dads mattress when teens, terabytes saved to external hard drives, subscriptions to Porn Hub, Red Tube, Turbo Porn, Brazzers, Xhamster, Xvideos, Porn Milo, Thumbzilla, PornTube, Raging Grannies etc paid through till 2025, crudely drawn pictures of vaginas, Postie Plus pamphlets dating back to 1991, Snapchat titty screenshots, well honed highly trained photographic memories and a pair of high powered binoculars.

 

But to the common man unaware of just how cruel, lonely and unarousing the apocalypse can be they need a fist clenched, sweaty sage fapper to follow.

 

- Online Porn: Get in quick! With everyone home and furiously beating and flicking it is only a matter of time before the internet crashes completely. So while it is tempting to play the field between all the websites, cam girls and nasty jpegs look at it as more protecting your own future investment. When the economy collapses, the $ is devalued and food shortages run rampant - there will be only one form of currency that matters. High quality Porn. So make each wank count. Download the best and save it to an external hard drive. Print what you can. Take screen shots and film with what ever extra devices you may have. Because when you are cornered by a group of blue balled, sex starved warlords it may just save your life.

 

- Magazines: While risky in the times of good hygiene practices, stick mags are a physical product that will attain many years of service and will become a prized commodity for trade. With your local stationer closed, either raid the shops or pay a visit to one of our essential services like a dairy or petrol station and clear out the top shelf.

 

- Art: Only a simple, unrefined masturbator would be so uncouth as to do so without expanding their artistic skill set at the same time. A true beater will not just resort to that which is made for him but also that which he/she makes. Be it painted portraits of the naked body, clay statues of a well defined love interest or anatomically incorrect sketches of genitalia.

 

- Amateur Porn: We hear you, no one wants to have sex with their partner during a time of crisis. How degrading and disgusting. However filming them while they sleep, shower or bake a cake to later jerk to is considered honourable.   

 

- Pamphlets: People are just wasting good porn! ‘No circulars’ signs, recycled paper waste, discarded trash floating down the street. Remember, one mans rubbish is another mans smut. Covet and protect with your lives.

 

 

When to Masturbate:

 

‘When’ are the words of a chicken, not a choker of one.

 

We stop when we have to stop. When we have made it through the next 30 days. When we are bloody and raw. When we have drained all our bodily fluids. When our eyesight has diminished to a fuzzy blur. When we are not even sure what we are sexually attracted to anymore. When our toilet paper is all but gone and our moisturiser bottles are at a mere trickle. When our floors are too sticky to walk across. When our concept of time, the earth and being have been reduced to nothingness. When we have finally defeated this god damn awful life threatening virus.

 

We cannot beat Covid-19 alone. But a nation, a world of wankers united to the cause of staying home and avoiding all human contact can. It won’t be the fornicators that will be written about in the history books but those brave enough to forgo time, relationships and any social respect.

 

It is us that will save the world… The Essential Wankers.

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