The Top 10 Bands to Avoid at Woodcock 2015

 

With 40+ bands playing across 4 stages you cannot expect to see every band and quite frankly why should you. Some don't deserve the attention and really I only booked them because I told their Mums I would. So here is a quick guide to The Top 10 Bands to Avoid at Woodcock 2015

 

10.) Wheatbags Anonymous: The brothers wheat, Bishop Tedbarley and Organ Lady Gladys Toeatwheatus are the kind of band that you have seen, heard and hated before. With cliched lyrics about Stacey Jones 'selling loans and smoking cones' and futuristic wheat eating aliens from the year 4000 you will find yourself stifling yawns as they try to woo you with their facetious stage banter and ostentatious outfits designed and donned to deflect attention away from their gaping musical chasm. 

 

9.) X-Ray Fiends - When I go to music festivals I want to see bands that play one song during their 30 minute set. A song that drones and plods along with the pace of a sloth trying to have sex with a tree branch. I want the sum total of energy exuded while watching said band to be from blinking...twice. But with these swines, these X-Ray Fiends with their short, snappy songs and their shaggy seventies hair dos my head bobs, my eyes bulge and my limbs spasm in fits of uncontrollable ecstasy. I forbid this. This music. This rock n roll music...

 

8.) The Flaming TeaBags - Didn't these guys cease to be a band 2 years ago? As far as train wrecks go this is sure to be of Tangiwai proportions. Taurangas answer to Lennon and McCartney only without the talent, this loathsome duo have had more arguments than my Mum and Dad over my Dads drinking problem.  Back to promote their new album 'Dog Food Lid' before disbanding for another 2 years this band promises to entertain with their unique brand of comedy punk. Only they are the joke and we aren't laughing.

 

7.) Gold Medal Famous - If the sight of a large, pale, pasty white male doing a slow strip tease to a protracted rendition of Madonnas like a virgin is your thing then please watch this band. However if like the rest of us this sounds like the kind of image that would scar your retinas then proceed with caution. Known as that band that ragged on John Key before it was cool to do so, Gold Medal famous play electro music that you don't want to take drugs to - you have to take drugs to. Take anything, just dull the pain in any which way you can.

 

6.) Super Narco Man - If you have been to a concert, pub, venue, bingo hall, retirement home, shopping centre, your parents house, fire station, brothel, public toilet, kindergarten, National park, your work then you have already seen these guys play a million times because seemingly they play every day for the entire day everywhere. We get it, you like to gig. Ok...

 

5.) All Hail the Fun Killers - Our host for Woodcock is one, Willie Mone. It is his property we use and this is his band. Should you go see his band play you could find yourself in an awkward position. Natural inclination would be to watch it, hate it then rag on it. But being on his land, his place of rest you could be walking a very thin rope. To rag on All Hail the Fun Killers would be to rag on Willie himself. Should he hear that you have been slagging them off he may come at you haggis in hand screaming stuff like "och" and "aye" with his eyes bulging and his face reddening. You may not be welcome at Woodcock after this and you could find yourself on the street looking back thinking 'why oh why didn't I just go see Black Science...'

 

4.) Shoutin' Preachin - Oh you already saw Cypress Hill at Raggamuffin and thus do not need to see them again at Woodcock? Ok I understand...

 

3.) The Prophet Motive - Formerly a duo consisting of Mitch Cookson and James 'Titties' O'Connell, this will be the first Woodcock solo outing for the now one man Prophet Motive after James mysteriously vanished in the back streets behind Lake Rotorua. Some say that Mitch killed him after Titties dared to moot the idea of using electric guitars and lyrics about girls for one of their songs. Others say it was an optometrist deal gone bad. The true story we may never know but should you see Mitch and you see those eyes a raging be careful not to stare in to them for too long otherwise you may truly see the fate of James 'Titties' O'Connell.

 

2.) Spork - Is it a fork or is it a spoon? Are they a 2piece or are they a 4? Are they good or are they bad? Spork, the middle ground. Inoffensively offensive. Attractively unattractive. Untalented talent. Around for the better part of half a decade Spork remind us of a time when we hated original music because at best it sounded like them. If you have heard Ween or Mr Bungle or even Jethro Tull then you have heard this band. And no amount of elderly pprosthetics and theatrical moustaches and free Jerry Seinfeld dvds will sway our minds to see otherwise.

 

1.) King Missile IV - Don't embarrass yourself, you will watch King Missile IV and be standing there not knowing any of the songs quietly, sometimes audibly hoping that they will play that song about that penis that does something? Then it comes on and you go spastic jumping about the place, getting all the lyrics wrong when you could have just listened to an album or two before hand and heard a pile of way better songs to wait and spaz to. But you didn't, so stop embarrassing yourself. We all know....

Search