A Brief History of Sucking By Scowlin Hawking

Beginning of time: The Big Bang occurs in Aaron Saxons butt chin, Taurangas ability to suck quickly expands. 

 

1963: The National Jazz Fests first year sets a strong precedent of featuring 99% blues music and1% miscellaneous.

 

1967: The Sound Shell is purpose built to attract international music acts to Tauranga. 

 

1983: Phill Rudd gets fired and moves to Tauranga. Tauranga's music rating goes from an A to a C to a D and finally back to a C for cock.

 

1991: Kokomoa form, coming from left field with an original brand of music that black people will emulate and steal from for generations to come.

 

1998: Soundshell is demolished after helping to bring too many international acts to Tauranga.

 

1999: Stardrunk forms, gains a little national exposure and sets the tone for Taurangas decade long love affair with every band sounding like Incubus.

 

2003: The legendary Dead Moon play Brewers Bar. 11 people attend.

 

2006: Derrin Richards starts the wildly popular original music nights at then sports bar The Colosseum only for it's success to plummet within weeks once this towns supply of 4 originals bands is exhausted and the guitarists sister gets over her obligation to attend. 

 

2007: 5 bands for 5 bucks at the Tauriko Hall becomes the Tauranga live music calendar highlight second only to staying in and watching Motorway Patrol.

 

2008: The Orange Zephyr opens giving brief hope for the future of the local music scene. Hopes are quickly dashed when their daily profit becomes -$463.

 

2010: Die!Die!Die! play Major Toms, everyone in attendance goes on to form a clothing brand.

 

2011: Issue 1 of Tauranga Music Sux is released via Tracs. Everyone threatens its 'writer' Stefan Braunias with death.

 

2012: The Matua Tunnel no longer becomes a place just for writing shitty tags as Pairs from China make it known as Taurangas best music venue. 

 

2013: Woodcock and Burning wang set new festival attendance and satisfaction lows.

 

2014: Aaron Saxon cuts of the ropes. A city mourns.

 

2015: I'm bored.

 

2016 and beyond: We become what we hated.

 

Search