You Can Take the Tauranga Out of the Small Town But You Can't Take the Small Town Out of the Tauranga



As hard as it tries and as big as it gets Tauranga just can't seem to get the hang of being a big city. 


Markets: Tauranga and the Mount now have so many markets catering for farmers, boutique fashion hipsters, food lovers, bargain hunters, raw vegan hemp clothes wearing lawn bowls playing mustache growing organic food eating surfers that there is actually not only a market for everyone but currently there are more markets than people in Tauranga. However what Tauranga fails to grasp is that for big cities: less is more. Usually one all encompassing market is enough to satiate a city. And the worst thing... all these markets and yet not enough Greeks and not enough haggling over a $3 Aubergine. 


ASB Arena: You all heard the argument, 'If only Tauranga had a world class venue then we too would get all the big acts that other big cities and even smaller cities receive'. Well a shit ton of rate payer money later we got that venue, we got some 'much requested' netball, a little bit of volleyball, the occasional basketball game and the odd home and garden show but where are these mega acts that were sure to flock? Least we got Jimmy Cliff. Wait who the fuck is Jimmy Cliff?


 Emos: Only in a small town masquerading as a big city do Emos still exist. In other actual cities teenagers show their frustration for life and constant hormone induced depression by not wearing a mixture of bright colours nor spending hours primping and colouring their hair. No they just act and look depressed as moody disassociated teenagers do. Cool in their contempt. They don't talk about slitting wrists. They slit wrists. Tauranga teenagers slit holes in their jeans. 


BOP Polytech: A real big city doesn't vaunt their Polytechs and or equivalents because a Polytech like the BOP Polytech is really school for those too dumb for university and or too lazy for work. Studying such frivolous courses as hairdressing, music performance and sports education one wonders why didn't these idiots attending save themselves a few thousand dollars by taking apprenticeships, practice on their own accord or spend a few thousand more, go to another city and get a piece of paper that actually means something.



Walking: In any other city seeing a person walking alone is not an unnatural occurance. In Tauranga one suspects a few things: this person is trying to walk off mental illness, this person is under the age of 16, this person has been DIC'd, this person is a habitual gambler and sold their car for another slap, this person is recovering from a hamstring strain. Never does the possibility that said person is walking for health (unless in lycra), for the good of the environment or even because they enjoy it. Tauranga - walking is for the poor.


Heritage: In a city that has long been established great pride is placed upon their remaining heritage buildings. In Tauranga history matters little. Yes a building may have been commissioned 100 years ago, used to be an orphanage and was built by Jesus himself but in Tauranga all we see is something that isn't earthquake safe and just 'old and ugly' and so we rip it down a replace it with a future building. And if one shall fly under the radar and survive do we appreciate it mire? Present our history to visitors? Nah we just let some accountant take the lease because they like how 'vintage the decor' is.


Conservation: The Tauranga City Council hates trees. Loathe them even. Where we see and other proper cities see trees as beautiful natural creations giving life, colour and oxygen the TCC see only a space for another car park, shitty 50k monument, mansion for Bob Clarkson or room for a small shrub made out of aluminum. Tauranga Blowtanical gardens.


CBD: A thriving downtown inner city metropolis of vibrant shops, buskers, diverse groups of people is key to a booming city. Tauranga has despite what some people may say no CBD. We have shopping centres but we have no inner city central meeting point where one and all can come shop, eat, be merry and avoid buskers. Why? Because to park a car is to financially cripple not only a person but an extended family and sometimes a nation. 


Children: Big city dwelling children are super witty, urbane and advanced upon their years. Dabbling in high end fashion, Russian literature and Jewish stand up comedy they make Tauranga children look like tiddlers in the testes. Our children are just that - children. Simple and unrefined doing moron stuff like playing with toys and eating bugs. They will never make it in the wide world.


The Homeless: Proper cities have proper hobos. Characters of the streets each with their own defined weirdo personalities. Here we just have glue sniffing part spazz drunks. Earn your keep. Get a gimmick cunts. Tauranga has reputation to uphold.


People between the age of 18-32: The moment most Tauranga teens turn 18 they flee Tauranga as quickly as they can. Some stay but they get pregnant, develop addictions and age quickly to mentally be in their 40's. Why would the youth stay when the social calendar highlight is a theater show of Mary Poppins. Big cities that act like big cities have big city activities. We have Antique Fairs.


This town is the equivalent of the man who leases the expensive car to impress his friends. We all know he isn't anywhere near as successful as he likes to make out but we let him believe that he is because he is a nice guy and we all really like his mothers Scones.