Jesus Has Returned and Wants to be Known as Jazzus

Christians, loud orgasmers and speech giving Oscar Award winning actors were today basking in feelings of blessed holiness that their lord, saviour and the original Big Lebowski Jesus Christ has graced Tauranga with his second coming. 

 

While speculation has been rife as to why he has returned: with many presuming that he is just here to pick up the last 2015 years of accrued Easter eggs, others have awaited a grander more purposeful justification.

 

In a statement from Jesus' official spokesperson received by Tauranga Music Sux, Jesus declares that he is "pleased to be back with his people" and that he is very appreciative of "their patience in awaiting (his) return" but that they shouldn't "expect too much".

 

Jesus formerly of Jerusalem, known for performing miracles, benevolence and as the world champion Beard grower in 3BC was crucified by Great Grand Pappy Rothschild in year Zero because the Illuminati then known as the Jewminati coveted all the gold given to Jesus by the holy men upon his birth some 32 years earlier. 

 

Returning to Tauranga after getting his 'Bethlehems mixed up', Jesus plans to take it easy and head to down to the Tauranga Historic Village to watch the Jazz Festival today. 

 

"This is my 2015th year without performing any miracles for ingrates. While my return to earth will be hard I feel as though I have been clean for long enough to prevent myself from getting rid of Aaron Saxons herpes. My intention and the reason for my return is that I have long desired to see the cream of New Zealands blues and funk players pretending to be schooled Jazz hep cats.To do so without interruption would be phenomenal." Said Jesus in his prepared statement.

 

Regarded as perhaps the worlds most well known person and greatest celebrity outside of the black Jesus -  Kanye West, Jesus intends to go as incognito as possible through the duration of his return.

 

"I plan to grow my beard out further, pick up a pair of aviators, get some pool boy shorts and a V neck from Thanks, crack on a Fedora and hey please don't call me Jesus. Call me Jazzus."

 

Jazzus plans to return home to heaven on Wednesday after updating his Instagram account and attending a couple of crossfit classes.

 

"But who knows, I may stay longer. I haven't booked my crucifixion yet..."

Search