7.) Rage Against the Machine -Killing in the Name of
You know a song has been completely ruined for you when you hear the original on the radio and all you can hear is the voice of some booze soaked, part time musician/full time bricklayer barking his way through some Zack Dela Rocha politically charged raps that have lost all gravitas coming from the mealy mouthed goateed murderer of song on stage. Worse still the irony of trying to lead a half filled bar in a 'hey everybody... sing along' moment is lost upon the idiot when the refrain that is to be sung in unison is 'Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me'. Well fuck you I refuse to further ruin any remaining level of warmth and attachment I may still be harbouring somewhere deep in my decaying teenage heart just so you can play rockstar for a night.
6.) Sublime - Santeria
If the lead singer hadn't died then this song would have. Instead like the Grandmother you really should visit more it remains kept partly alive by modern medicine. It's not the Grandmother you remember. Not as sweet, not as nice, the memories forever fading but yet it continues to fight on even though no one knows why. Die, you think each time you see its withered skin, hunched back and impaired vision. Why keep going? There is nothing left here for you. We have all moved on. In fact most of us have forgotten you are still alive and when we visit it's usually only because there is a birthday or public holiday of sorts.
5.) Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah
Leonard Cohen wrote some great songs. Hallelujah was not one of them. And yet this atrocious pile of crap is the one that lives on perpetuity. Covered by everyone from buskers to wedding singers, even hack reality TV contestants and sadly also some musicians you may actually respect. This is kind of song that makes you think that Hitler was right.
4.) Weezer - Say it Aint So
Say it aint so that I am at a party, in town or celebrating my best friends wedding when the Weezer fires up. Play El Scorcho that's a good song. Or the Sweater song, I like that. Buddy Holly is cool just not this fucken Frat boy rock anthem. The shame Rivers Cuomo must feel that a song written by a super nerd like himself was adopted by jock idiots everywhere - the likes of whom probably tormented him in the lead up to writing this song. Or maybe he likes it. Cause when you are geeking it any attention is good attention.
3.) Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
Nirvana couldn't kill it. Radio couldn't kill it. MTV couldn't kill it. Tori Amos couldn't kill it. Kurt Cobains shotgun couldn't kill it. But this was no job for one man. Combined a thousand or so cover bands did what no one else could and destroyed a song that like Kurts favourite cardigan is now covered in the blood and matter of the song that defined a generation. Using the best hit men from around the globe doing their best gravel voiced impersonations of their fallen hero they split the scalp with their awful impressions. Taking a beloved song from classic status to can't stand it status. Kudos covers bands you killed it. No candlelit vigils for this crapper.
2.) The Cranberries - Zombie
'Yeah I really like female rock singers, like that Cranberries chick' said everyone at least once when trying to explain to their more liberal big city friend that they aren't just sexist small town hicks way into their ACDC. But truth is they aren't they just named this song because on the spot it was the only female rock song they could think of. And why you ask? Well because just the other night they were walking a far when they came across a little bar where a band was warming up. A sassy lady in denims was about to take the mic. Warming up her vocals she appeared to have something special. After thanking the small crowd she started her first song, Zombie. It captured our hero and for a brief moment they thought to themselves that they really dug 'chick' singers. Then they started a Soundgarden song to which our man left amidst a sea of muttering and laughter.
1.) Slayer - Reign in Blood
Let me clarify I have never heard a covers band play this live but it is still ruined. As the ironic song suggestion of choice of somewhat meta meatheads I have heard the opening riff in retort to these suggestions more than almost any other song known to man. Yes the riff 30 years on is still bad ass but so is the rest of the song. Don't tickle my balls and yet fail to at least lick em and put em in your mouth for a bit.