5 Tauranga Residents We Would Rather Not Have



For every Dame Susan Devoy or Winston Peters there's a sack full of idiots that we really should of have just stopped at the city limits from entering this town. But we can't get rid of every Ford driving body odour smelling bogan, sun bleached melanoma tanned surfer douche or high vis wearing pie eating sub moronic road worker so let's start with the top 5 key Tauranga residents that we should evict from this town the first chance we get. 




5.) Bob Clarkson


Remember when Tauranga had 3 distinct shopping districts? The Mount/Tauranga and Greerton. Well Bob Clarkson is the man chiefly responsible for developing and subdividing every Tauranga section over an acre into it's own suburb replete with a Countdown, Subway and Noel Leemings so that the core parts of this city which used to be so vital and strong have become wastelands and near obsolete. Other than that you may remember him for his short stay in Parliament as a politically incorrect somewhat racist, tad sexist bumbling buffoon. Or as that rich guy who hates native trees because their leaves go in his gutter. And worst of all the man who ousted Winston Peters from the Tauranga electorate thus causing a chain of events that left old Winnie no choice but to move North where the money flows less.





4.) Phil Rudd


Known mostly to Tauranga residents as that guy with no teeth who badly drives those really fancy cars, bangs a lot of hookers, occasionally arranges for a hitman to take care of business and always has an army of security guards manning the gates of his harbourside mansion. Otherwise he's just that good ol' boy with that nice little restaurant, the eponymous 'Phils Place' over at the Marina that cooks a great steak but may close down mid meal due to a lack of bills being paid on time. Most of us forget that he is/was the one beat/one fill drummer for ACDC for many years. Why? Because in a town where that Yoga instructor off The Bachelor is counted as an A list celebrity we put our famous people on a pedestal. We don't expect them to almost run us over in a Ferrari when crossing a road. Or to have their goons give you a full body cavity search when taking an evening stroll with the wife and kids past his house. 




3.) Simon Bridges


I hate this guy. His fake, shit eating grin and poor mans 'I'm so down to earth and one of you' John Key impersonation really just irks me.  Maybe I am just jealous because old ladies usually really love me but no matter how hard I try I can never quote live up to Simon Bridges in their eyes. Well fuck you Granny, I can give permission to wipe out National Parks and have Maui Dolphins slaughtered too if I won't to. But I don't because I am busy with stuff. 





2.) Tiki Tane


Last week everyone was back slapping Tiki because he stood up to Sony and the X-Factor TV show for being exploitative and how he had too much integrity to appear on it. Now maybe I was the only one sad enough to watch it but tickle my balls in a time slot on TV3 one hour preceding X-Factor it's Mr Tane himself on an episode of the Bachelor serenading 3 female contestants. A show like X-factor whom to paraphrase Tiki Tane 'promotes the exploitation of its contestants'. But worse than that he was playing that god awful song about having some girl on his mind. Wouldn't you need a mind first? 






1.) Sir Gordon Tietjens


I know what you are thinking. What did Gordon Tietjens do wrong? He has done wonders for Rugby both locally and nationally. Well my beef is that the fucker is about 80 years of age and is still fitter, stronger and more motivated than I am. He can probably also getting a higher score on Tony Hawk 3, beat me at Scrabble, pick the winning Lotto numbers, build an en-suite extension on a 3brm house, juggle flaming fire sticks, tell me the names of each original member of Lynard Skynard, figure out PAYE if you are a student working part time but over two jobs, teach convicts how to read, install a pay phone then uninstall it because they are obsolete, drive a petrol tanker for 16 hours solid, climb Mt Emont, talk to my Korean neighbour in her native tongue - fluently, predict the weather for the next 4 weeks, remind me when my Grans birthday is, get through to WINZ without being put on hold, eat a can of Pringles without the last 3 crumbling, brew his own craft beer, fly a kite -real high, sail a Yacht around the North Island and appraise that antique lamp sitting in the corner of my Mums lounge. Fuck that guy.