10.) Elemeno P
Verona, Fast Times in Tahoe, Everday’s a Saturday. These are the songs to slit your wrists to. Jamming radio airwaves from 2003 with their Love and Disrespect album Elemeno P set a new low for New Zealand bands imitating music from the States and embarrassing themselves and this country in doing so. Achieving success not by virtue of talent but due to singer Dave Gibsons radio connection as the breakfast host of George FM. Writing songs hailed for their simplicity but not in the Ramones Verse/Chrous/Verse/Chorus sense but because it was simplistic people in $8 JayJays Ramones knock off t shirts who liked it.
Been on hiatus since 2011, long may it continue.
When I was 18 I had really long straight hippie chick hair. At the time so did the lead singer from Steriogram. People used to ask me if I grew my hair so I could look like him. Yeah I grew my hair so I could look like the guy whose band in spite of being signed to Capital Records, having a hideously expensive music video made for them by internationally renowned directorial great Michel Gondry and having their substandard even by NZ standards song Walkie Talkie Man plastered all over Ipod ads still found themselves on the wrong end of anonymity due to being at best New Zealands most mediocre export ever.
Who would call their band Rubicon anyway? An ex Shortland Street actor with a propensity towards awful melodies, hackneyed pop punk guitar riffs and $3 music videos that is who would. Somehow making it to the top of the New Zealand charts with that somehow being 10 NZ on Air greats including a 50k album taxpayer donation that purchased their ticket to the top. Crumbling after 2/3rds of the band realised that what made them successful in NZ (nepotism) would never help in the States. Shortland Street boy now creates dating Apps and tells long winded stories about his ‘glory’ days to lonely people at bus stops.
I have never heard Six60 nor do I plan to but Simon Sweetman told me to hate them so mindless peon that I am I will now say that I hate this band more than all the Fat Freddys, Breaks Co-Op, Katchafire, Black Seeds, Fly My Prettys, Kora, Pheonix Foundation, Trinity Roots and all other ‘Bbq Reggae Bands’ put together cause Simon says...
6.) The Feelers
These days I am a vegan. I have been so for the past several years. I am so now for moral and ethical reasons but in 2005 it was because of the great Meat Pie shortage that rocked New Zealands rotund bellies. This shortage can be attributed directly to the Feelers national tour of the same year that saw the band travel throughout cities across this obese land. Unfortunately for the common man their lead singer and pie eating contest veteran James Reid worked up quite a hunger between towns and 330ml beers and ate every bakeries supply of pies from Cape Reinga to the Bluff dwindling local supplies for the next 4 months. Not even the gluten free Mexican bean pies were spared.
Every time I say how much I hate Shihad to someone they always say ‘They used to be good. Killjoy is a great album.’. Well Metallicas early stuff was quite good but we never actually say that aloud. We just universally agree that Metallica sucks. Cause they like Shihad suck. We don’t dwell in the past and remember them having long hair and ripping off Nine Inch Nails. No we see them for what they are. Overrated, overblown and over stayed. Fuck off Shihad ya last night I couldn't find the sock wank stains.
4.) Op Shop
Jason Kerrison is New Zealands most overexposed human being. Worse than Paul Henry, worse than Mike Puru, worse than the Mad Butcher, Tiki Tane, Geraldine Brophy or Gerry Brownlees stomach. I hate him more than I hate his band and I really hate his band. He is at that unique level of hatred where you can’t even think of his transgressions because you hate him so much. I think it’s his music I hate the most but it could also be his appearances on Rockstar Supernova and as a judge on NZs Got Talent or just his shit eating 'I think - no I know I'm the best' smug grin. Hard to pin point but fuck I hate Op Shop and especially Jason Kerrison and those eyes that scream 'I know you hate me- but I don't mind. I'm better than this'. Fuck.
3.) Dane Rumble
One word: Douche. Two words : Douche bag. 6 words: Dane Rumble is a Douche bag.
2.) The Exponents
The worst thing about The Exponents is that when I hear any song from a New Zealand pub rock band from The Dudes to Hello Sailor or Mutton Birds I automatically blame the Exponents for writing such turgid schlong rock. This blame is not all yours Jordon Luck share it with your fellow bland 3 minute rock song red nosed living in the past drunken friends.
1.) Midnight Youth
March 2nd 2013 was a good day. Midnight Youth played their last ever show at Homegrown in Wellington. This was a day I had been longing for for years. What I hadn’t planned for was that the four members of Midnight Youth would continue playing music and that they would go off in 4 different directions thus creating 4 more potentially vicious strains of Midnight Youth to inoculate. However I was lucky and had taken my jabs thus becoming immune to the solo careers and new bands of this so very shitty band. The Brave Don’t Run - No we just turn off the radio.