Top Reasons to Hate a Tauranga Summer

 

Aucklanders: 

 

If we can be sure of one thing other than it will be fucken hot - it is that Tauranga will be infested with fat wallet, gourmet food eating, craft beer drinking Auckland wankers descending on our city. Staking claim to beach front mansions across the Mount Maunganui/Papamoa sand spit and reminding ourselves that because of our relatively low paying jobs and inability progress in life we will never amount to much more than 3 bedroom cinderblock house renting, 8-5pm working, last years fashion wearing nothings.

 

Kids:

 

I think we can all agree that children are great - when they aren't ours, spend most of their lives in the prison that is school and have overly protective parents who do not let them out of the house. But come the Christmas/Summer holidays kids are everywhere. Their shrill, glass cutting voices bleating at their brow beaten parents. Running rampant between legs like Buffalo stampeding. And leaving their filthy fingered mess in trail of destruction around the city. 

 

Good Looking People:

 

Yeah we get it. You think you look great. Congratulations on spending Autumn, Winter and Spring secluded in the Gym working on that six pack while the rest of us were enjoying ourselves drinking a six pack. Way to spend your Daddy's life savings on a set of plastic hooters that will give you a lifetime of crippling back pain. Kudos on making the rest of us feel awkwardly uncomfortable in your presence lest we accidentally look in your direction and you think we are perverted. 

 

Flowers

 

Thanks for making my wheezing nose sniff and sneeze like I have just ingested 3 lines of Colombian cocaine. Oh yeah and cheers for reminding me that my garden is a mess and that the old ladies next door is immaculate. And much gratitude for reminding me that your short life cycle is oddly reminiscent to my own and that I too will grow only to wilt and die. 

 

Surfers

 

In fairness these perma tanned, brine soaked, matted haired chill dudes get on my tits year around but come summer I can't seem to find a wave that doesn't feature a 6 foot piece of fibreglass aimed directly at my head. Well jokes on you duuuddddeeee. With La Nina in full effect warming the oceans and flattening the seas. You have only Shark attacks and a whole lot of waiting to look forward to.

 

Reggae

 

With summer comes BBQ's and with BBQ's comes Reggae. It could appear anywhere. At your local bar. On your Car radio. At your mates house. In the dairy. Round the corner at the party house you always walk a little faster in front of. No one is safe. One chord, no change, Jah loving music is a danger to us all. 

 

Jimmy Barnes

 

You can run from Jimmy. You can hide from Jimmy. But you can't escape from Jimmy. 

 

Melanoma

 

Actually, Melanoma aint so bad. In fact it will probably wipe out most of the people on the list I hate in about 3 years. So keep doing your thang you moley cancerous growth you.

 

 

Josh Homme Vows to Stand United

 

Eagles of Death Metal drummer and Queens of the Stoneage frontman Josh Homme says he will be "merciless" against those behind the deadly nightclub attack that left his bandmates and fans running for their lives. 

 

Not in attendance due to prior commitments. Homme said of the massacre where more than 100 people were killed in eastern Paris that he was "saddened" and "disgusted" by the terrorists actions.

 

Speaking from his home in Palm Springs California, Homme called on all his bands from Them Crooked Vultures, Queens of the Stoneage, Kyuss, Eagles of Death Metal and friends from Dave Grohl, Jack White, Pj Harvey, Peaches, Mark Lanegan to John Paul Jones to remain united. "We will lead the fight. We will be merciless."

 

"No one messes with this 6"4 ginger ninja's friends and fans and gets away with it. ISIS, Terrorists - Josh Homme is coming for you. And when he finds you Josh Homme is going to give you A Feel Good Hit of the Summer to the face bitches..."

 

 

Magazine Review: Rip It Up is a stale magazine about what it means to be a Cracker

 

 

Rip It Up is a Music Magazine that explores what it means to be a privileged self righteous Cracker. First off, what is Rip It Up? Well, I guess it’s just a normal magazine but one written by someone lacking the wit intrigue, intelligence, insight, IQ to write for a proper publication. Secondly, and most importantly, what is a Cracker?

Read more: Magazine Review: Rip It Up is a stale magazine about what it means to be a Cracker
 

Marty Mcfly Disappointed to Find That Tauranga Music Still Sux in 2015

 

After accidentally arriving in Tauranga in 2011 with time travelling partner and friend, the eccentric Delorean driving Doc Brown in attempt to escape the incestuous flirting of his horny teenaged Mother and flying fists of fury of town bully Biff Tannen. Mcfly was surprised to see a music scene growing from the one he had seen during prior missions.

Read more: Marty Mcfly Disappointed to Find That Tauranga Music Still Sux in 2015
 

Reader Doesn't Know What News is Real Anymore

 

Avid news reader Paul Gunderson today has officially given up on reading any news article seen through his Facebook feed and or anywhere online after realising that he has no idea what is real anymore.

Read more: Reader Doesn't Know What News is Real Anymore
 

Mclarens Fools Festival

 

 

All I have heard this week is people local and otherwise either lamenting the loss or celebrating the demise of the supposed international level Mclarens Falls Festival that was due to be held in Tauranga over the course of three days in January next year.

 

And what would a passing Tauranga music news event be without me throwing my uneducated, overly opinionated 2 cents around like a man on a early 19th century spending spree? 

 

Read more: Mclarens Fools Festival
 

Titties on a Thursday - A State of Modern Erotique review

 

 

 

Yeah we can all do as I have done and justify our attendance at Zeus Gallery this Thursday past as one motivated by the pursuitof artistic fulfillment or we can just come out, be proud and say “I just wanted to see some titties on a Thursday eveing after a quick bite to eat and catching a rerun of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Hot Seat with that loveable rogue Eddie Mcguire”

 

Read more: Titties on a Thursday - A State of Modern Erotique review
 

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