The Top 10 Worst NZ Bands of All Time

 

 

 

10.) Elemeno P 

 

Verona, Fast Times in Tahoe, Everday’s a Saturday. These are the songs to slit your wrists to. Jamming radio airwaves from 2003 with their Love and Disrespect album Elemeno P set a new low for New Zealand bands imitating music from the States and embarrassing themselves and this country in doing so. Achieving success not by virtue of talent but due to singer Dave Gibsons radio connection as the breakfast host of George FM. Writing songs hailed for their simplicity but not in the Ramones Verse/Chrous/Verse/Chorus sense but because it was simplistic people in $8 JayJays Ramones knock off t shirts who liked it.

Been on hiatus since 2011, long may it continue.

Read more: The Top 10 Worst NZ Bands of All Time
 

Reasons Why We Still Live in Tauranga

 

 

* Currently awaiting trial for punching an old lady in a moment of road rage at the Cameron Road & 11th Ave traffic lights.

* Earning potential in this town is just too high.

*  Accidentally got pregnant at 17 then again at 21 and 22. As did all of our friends. 

Read more: Reasons Why We Still Live in Tauranga
 

Jesus Has Returned and Wants to be Known as Jazzus

Christians, loud orgasmers and speech giving Oscar Award winning actors were today basking in feelings of blessed holiness that their lord, saviour and the original Big Lebowski Jesus Christ has graced Tauranga with his second coming. 

 

While speculation has been rife as to why he has returned: with many presuming that he is just here to pick up the last 2015 years of accrued Easter eggs, others have awaited a grander more purposeful justification.

Read more: Jesus Has Returned and Wants to be Known as Jazzus
 

5 Tauranga Residents We Would Rather Not Have

 

 

For every Dame Susan Devoy or Winston Peters there's a sack full of idiots that we really should of have just stopped at the city limits from entering this town. But we can't get rid of every Ford driving body odour smelling bogan, sun bleached melanoma tanned surfer douche or high vis wearing pie eating sub moronic road worker so let's start with the top 5 key Tauranga residents that we should evict from this town the first chance we get. 

 

 

Read more: 5 Tauranga Residents We Would Rather Not Have
 

Erotic Enounters with Dave Dobbyn and Jackals New Album 'Sparkle'

 

I was lying in the arms of the sexy man I call my 'Sugar'. The bald babe that is Dave Dobbyn when he told me he had something he wanted to show me. While I was secretly hoping that he meant his bellend I was more than a little disappointed when he procured a cd from his hemp satchel. A cd by a band called Jackal. 

Read more: Erotic Enounters with Dave Dobbyn and Jackals New Album 'Sparkle'
 

7 Songs that Cover Band Assholes Ruined Forever

 

 

7.) Rage Against the Machine -Killing in the Name of

 

 

You know a song has been completely ruined for you when you hear the original on the radio and all you can hear is the voice of some booze soaked, part time musician/full time bricklayer barking his way through some Zack Dela Rocha politically charged raps that have lost all gravitas coming from the mealy mouthed goateed murderer of song on stage. Worse still the irony of trying to lead a half filled bar in a 'hey everybody... sing along' moment is lost upon the idiot when the refrain that is to be sung in unison is 'Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me'.  Well fuck you I refuse to further ruin any remaining level of warmth and attachment I may still be harbouring somewhere deep in my decaying teenage heart just so you can play rockstar for a night. 

Read more: 7 Songs that Cover Band Assholes Ruined Forever
 

Tauranga Music Sux: Goals for the Future

                                                                   

 

*Put on an event where there are more paying attendees than band members

* Get our likes up to and even over 1000 only to ruin it all and drop back down to 186 after admitting that we were never about the music and were actually a front for the National Party all along

*Run the 4 minute mile

* Learn how to play an instrument

Read more: Tauranga Music Sux: Goals for the Future
 

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