5 Tauranga Residents We Would Rather Not Have

 

 

For every Dame Susan Devoy or Winston Peters there's a sack full of idiots that we really should of have just stopped at the city limits from entering this town. But we can't get rid of every Ford driving body odour smelling bogan, sun bleached melanoma tanned surfer douche or high vis wearing pie eating sub moronic road worker so let's start with the top 5 key Tauranga residents that we should evict from this town the first chance we get. 

 

 

Read more: 5 Tauranga Residents We Would Rather Not Have
 

7 Songs that Cover Band Assholes Ruined Forever

 

 

7.) Rage Against the Machine -Killing in the Name of

 

 

You know a song has been completely ruined for you when you hear the original on the radio and all you can hear is the voice of some booze soaked, part time musician/full time bricklayer barking his way through some Zack Dela Rocha politically charged raps that have lost all gravitas coming from the mealy mouthed goateed murderer of song on stage. Worse still the irony of trying to lead a half filled bar in a 'hey everybody... sing along' moment is lost upon the idiot when the refrain that is to be sung in unison is 'Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me'.  Well fuck you I refuse to further ruin any remaining level of warmth and attachment I may still be harbouring somewhere deep in my decaying teenage heart just so you can play rockstar for a night. 

Read more: 7 Songs that Cover Band Assholes Ruined Forever
 

Tauranga Music Sux: Goals for the Future

                                                                   

 

*Put on an event where there are more paying attendees than band members

* Get our likes up to and even over 1000 only to ruin it all and drop back down to 186 after admitting that we were never about the music and were actually a front for the National Party all along

*Run the 4 minute mile

* Learn how to play an instrument

Read more: Tauranga Music Sux: Goals for the Future
 

Jesus Has Returned and Wants to be Known as Jazzus

Christians, loud orgasmers and speech giving Oscar Award winning actors were today basking in feelings of blessed holiness that their lord, saviour and the original Big Lebowski Jesus Christ has graced Tauranga with his second coming. 

 

While speculation has been rife as to why he has returned: with many presuming that he is just here to pick up the last 2015 years of accrued Easter eggs, others have awaited a grander more purposeful justification.

Read more: Jesus Has Returned and Wants to be Known as Jazzus
 

You Can Take the Tauranga Out of the Small Town But You Can't Take the Small Town Out of the Tauranga

 

 

As hard as it tries and as big as it gets Tauranga just can't seem to get the hang of being a big city. 

 

Markets: Tauranga and the Mount now have so many markets catering for farmers, boutique fashion hipsters, food lovers, bargain hunters, raw vegan hemp clothes wearing lawn bowls playing mustache growing organic food eating surfers that there is actually not only a market for everyone but currently there are more markets than people in Tauranga. However what Tauranga fails to grasp is that for big cities: less is more. Usually one all encompassing market is enough to satiate a city. And the worst thing... all these markets and yet not enough Greeks and not enough haggling over a $3 Aubergine. 

 

ASB Arena: You all heard the argument, 'If only Tauranga had a world class venue then we too would get all the big acts that other big cities and even smaller cities receive'. Well a shit ton of rate payer money later we got that venue, we got some 'much requested' netball, a little bit of volleyball, the occasional basketball game and the odd home and garden show but where are these mega acts that were sure to flock? Least we got Jimmy Cliff. Wait who the fuck is Jimmy Cliff?

Read more: You Can Take the Tauranga Out of the Small Town But You Can't Take the Small Town Out of the...
 

Erotic Enounters with Dave Dobbyn and Jackals New Album 'Sparkle'

 

I was lying in the arms of the sexy man I call my 'Sugar'. The bald babe that is Dave Dobbyn when he told me he had something he wanted to show me. While I was secretly hoping that he meant his bellend I was more than a little disappointed when he procured a cd from his hemp satchel. A cd by a band called Jackal. 

Read more: Erotic Enounters with Dave Dobbyn and Jackals New Album 'Sparkle'
 

A Brief History of Sucking By Scowlin Hawking

Beginning of time: The Big Bang occurs in Aaron Saxons butt chin, Taurangas ability to suck quickly expands. 

 

1963: The National Jazz Fests first year sets a strong precedent of featuring 99% blues music and1% miscellaneous.

 

1967: The Sound Shell is purpose built to attract international music acts to Tauranga. 

Read more: A Brief History of Sucking By Scowlin Hawking
 

Page 8 of 18

Search