Tauranga Music Sux: Goals for the Future



*Put on an event where there are more paying attendees than band members

* Get our likes up to and even over 1000 only to ruin it all and drop back down to 186 after admitting that we were never about the music and were actually a front for the National Party all along

*Run the 4 minute mile

* Learn how to play an instrument

Read more: Tauranga Music Sux: Goals for the Future

You Can Take the Tauranga Out of the Small Town But You Can't Take the Small Town Out of the Tauranga



As hard as it tries and as big as it gets Tauranga just can't seem to get the hang of being a big city. 


Markets: Tauranga and the Mount now have so many markets catering for farmers, boutique fashion hipsters, food lovers, bargain hunters, raw vegan hemp clothes wearing lawn bowls playing mustache growing organic food eating surfers that there is actually not only a market for everyone but currently there are more markets than people in Tauranga. However what Tauranga fails to grasp is that for big cities: less is more. Usually one all encompassing market is enough to satiate a city. And the worst thing... all these markets and yet not enough Greeks and not enough haggling over a $3 Aubergine. 


ASB Arena: You all heard the argument, 'If only Tauranga had a world class venue then we too would get all the big acts that other big cities and even smaller cities receive'. Well a shit ton of rate payer money later we got that venue, we got some 'much requested' netball, a little bit of volleyball, the occasional basketball game and the odd home and garden show but where are these mega acts that were sure to flock? Least we got Jimmy Cliff. Wait who the fuck is Jimmy Cliff?

Read more: You Can Take the Tauranga Out of the Small Town But You Can't Take the Small Town Out of the...

Threat.Meet.Protocol: Top 10 Fuck Ups



In celebration of Threat.Meet.Protocol. turning four we have compiled their top 10 'Fuck ups' spanning a career that has seen more low than highlights.


10.) TMP can't play a song - While most 2 piece era Threat.Meet.Protocol sets ended with at least 30% of the songs being ruined by drunkeness, musical ineptitude and wannabe 'Pete Townshead' shenanigans - on occasion TMP couldn't even play a song. Performing at the Tokoroa Soccer club with Hollywoodfun Downstairs, the brothers Threat stumbled their way through 30mins of aborted songs and out of time pieces before badly mangling Mudhoneys 'Touch Me I'm Sick' and the Gun Clubs 'Sex beat' to end on an embarrassing note. This would be the gig that ended the 2 piece era as even they couldn't sink to any further depths of despair.


9.) TMP make friends with everyone - At the the height of Tauranga Music Sux infamy for naming and shaming Tauranga's most pompous bands, TMP drummer Stefan Braunias was thought to be the architect of all bile. So when it was announced that Threat, would be playing the inaugural Bummerslam at Krazy Jacks on the 19th August of 2011 they had a little welcoming party of 'fans' waiting across the road for the writer/s to introduce themselves to their fists. Scowlin Wolf feeling he wasn't popular enough already then went on to make friends with one of the other bands Kid Cynical who weren't too pleased with the notion that Stefan would be 'too drunk to play last' and offered to take the PA system they brought with them from Rotorua home early if they didn't go on before the hometown band, TMP. Stefan of course too drunk to play last and Scowlin rather flustered and pissed off from an evening of social anxiety then noise polluted their way through a set that the Krazy Jacks bar manager tried to first drown out with their in house PA before unplugging the power supply to TMP's equipment. To which Stefan tanty smashed his drums at her. TMP didn't play Krazy Jacks for another 2 years. 


8.) TMP release an EP record on a dictaphone - What most bands would call a demo, TMP decided was a studio quality release. '13 Farmcore Favourites' which consisted of only 6 songs recorded by Dick T. Phone at the Jimmy Barnes Barn was then offered to Muzai Records their label at said time only to announce that it was 'too good' and 'professionally recorded' to waste on an independent company like theirs. So tape in hand they self released to the silence of an industry. 50 copies were made. 50 copies still rest in Scowlin Wolfs closet.


7.) TMP hate Hipsters - Writing the seminal classic 'Hipster Cliches' after being invited to play Auckland scenester bar Cassette 9. The song went on to gain popularity within local circles after a hate video featuring cascading pictures of some of the hardest trying try hards from Major Toms fame went viral. Taking umbrance to this with good reason, then Major Toms owner Hamish  confronted Stefan over said video in turn provoking TMP into a series of petulant publicity stunts. However all was resolved when Scowlin realised that while half of his bar mat have been poseur wankstains Hamish was actually the nicest guy around and had some killer music taste. TMP would be the last band to play Hamish's Major Toms proving that they are the biggest of hypocritical fuckwits.


6.) Auckland hates TMP - Up until Luke joined the band in 2013 on keyboard, TMP had a proud history of terrible Auckland gigs. From their first gig which they didn't even get to play, their second where all their gear broke 5mins before playing to a variety of fuck ups supporting Pairs, opening for Rackets, Ipswich and others Threat.Meet just could never get it right. They did get to go to Real Groovy though. 


5.) The Tunnel Tour - A 2 day tour covering the North Islands famed Tunnel venue circuit. TMP played to crowds as big as Paul Harvey, 2 truant girls and a couple of friendly policeman in Turangi, some jaded businessmen in Wellington and a drunk, semi belligerent hobo in Hamilton. Under the Radar still named it in their top tours of 2012. 


4.) Fuck Muzai - What did Muzai do to Threat.Meet.Protocol you ask? Well they paid them attention and gave them chances and hooked them up with other like minded bands and showed faith in them sight unseen and tried to release their music and treated them as friends those bastards. So of course TMP repaid them...with a hate campaign. And so 'Fuck Muzai' was born. A misguided publicity attempt to maximise public exposure for both Muzai and the Protocols ended with Muzai unscathed but Threat.Meet.Protocols reputation in Auckland with everyone but Jack Brock in tatters. In retrospect maybe they shouldn't have said they were going to prison style rape Martin Phillips of God Bows to Math after all...


3.) EP Release Party - In aid of the release of their new EP 'Pretentious' TMP chose to forgo playing a gig as most bands would do in favour of staging an instore release party at Tracs CD sand Dvds. This would prove a disaster with only 6 people attending, 2 CDs sold and even keyboardist Luke failing to arrive. 


2.) TMP aren't the only bass/drums 2 piece - Way back in 2011, Threat.Meet.Protocol thought they were pretty original. Being a combo consisting of just bass and drums this was thought to be edgy and cool. Especially for Tauranga. So imagine their chagrin while organising a gig for God Bows to Math where another bass/drum 2 piece from Tauranga called Flogging a Dead One Horse Town wanted to play. Not being the best song writers or musicians, the Human Ashtray and Scowlin Wolf had but one thing. Then they meet Flogging, who did it better....


1.) Wasted opportunity - For a band of rank amateurs, Threat.Meet.Protocol have had a lot of opportunities gifted to them. From opening for international bands like Guitar Wolf and the King Brothers. To being on labels like Muzai and Hell is Now Love. Threat.Meet in theory should have capitalised on some of this success and toured more locally and or overseas but they never have. After years of playing the same song their popularity has plateau'd but still they play. Returns ever diminishing but if they continue to play with with and for people they love and admire they will go forever because while a few more than 382 facebook likes would be nice they are still happy to be playing for the fun of it. Here's to 4 more years of TMP.


A Brief History of Sucking By Scowlin Hawking

Beginning of time: The Big Bang occurs in Aaron Saxons butt chin, Taurangas ability to suck quickly expands. 


1963: The National Jazz Fests first year sets a strong precedent of featuring 99% blues music and1% miscellaneous.


1967: The Sound Shell is purpose built to attract international music acts to Tauranga. 

Read more: A Brief History of Sucking By Scowlin Hawking

Foo Fighters Truck Driver Labelled as a Hero


The Foo Fighters surprise charity side show at the Auckland Town Hall has been cancelled after the bands truck driver crashed whilst transporting gear from Christchurch to Auckland.

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Tauranga Music Sux Weekend Gig Guide.




 Stay at home, have a foot spa, pamper yourself, paint your nails, eat a little chocolate but not too much and think "Thank fuck there was nothing on tonight that I would otherwise be obliged to attend because the rest of this weekend is going to be a loss."




Read more: Tauranga Music Sux Weekend Gig Guide.

Your Woodcock 2015 Horoscope with Tauranga Music Sux



Aquarius - Upon arriving at Woodcock you soon realise that you have been set up. This is no music festival but a carefully orchestrated Valentines Day blind date roulette organised by parents worried about their continuing lack of grandchildren.


Pisces - After seeing a poo visage of Jesus in the bottom of the carpark portaloo you find yourself at a sudden inner peace until you accidentally walk past the Shit Cunt Sand Pit. At which point all is lost...

Read more: Your Woodcock 2015 Horoscope with Tauranga Music Sux

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