Top 10 Woodcock Moments You Probably Wish You Had Forgotten:

 

 

10.) The Main Stage Breaks - Grizzled man sized bassist from the New Kill,  Andre Hume was minding his own business playing his 4 string when 'whoosh' the fucker fell right through the  stage. While we have tried to heap the blame heavily upon his beer and pie consumption truth was we blew the stage budget on spray paint to draw big cocks everywhere and thus could only afford the worst wood imaginable come building time. Andre however was unfazed and continued to play now 4 feet shorter than the rest of the band, bobbing out of his hole like a hardcore loving Winnie the Pooh.

Read more: Top 10 Woodcock Moments You Probably Wish You Had Forgotten:
 

Citizens of Tauranga Pretend to be Wellington

A crowd of over 6000, 2012 Poseurs Vinyeard Chardonnay sipping, organic Venison eating, dilettantes descended upon Blake Park yesterday for the first annual  On the Lawn Food, Beer, Wine and Music Festival in a deluded attempt to portray themselves with a level of sophistication more likely to be seen in Wellington . 

Read more: Citizens of Tauranga Pretend to be Wellington
 

The Top 10 Bands to Avoid at Woodcock 2015

 

With 40+ bands playing across 4 stages you cannot expect to see every band and quite frankly why should you. Some don't deserve the attention and really I only booked them because I told their Mums I would. So here is a quick guide to The Top 10 Bands to Avoid at Woodcock 2015

 

10.) Wheatbags Anonymous: The brothers wheat, Bishop Tedbarley and Organ Lady Gladys Toeatwheatus are the kind of band that you have seen, heard and hated before. With cliched lyrics about Stacey Jones 'selling loans and smoking cones' and futuristic wheat eating aliens from the year 4000 you will find yourself stifling yawns as they try to woo you with their facetious stage banter and ostentatious outfits designed and donned to deflect attention away from their gaping musical chasm. 

Read more: The Top 10 Bands to Avoid at Woodcock 2015
 

Top 10 New Years Resolutions We Know You Won't Stick To....

                     

 

10.) Losing weight - Who do you think you are fooling you fat sugar snorting Shamu's? Just gonna have that one big final holiday blow out then it's all 'Corn thins' and 'Rice Crackers' for you. Fuck you we all know that the longest you will last is to whatever day off work you deem good enough to have another 'Holiday' binge, from sick days to Anzac to the the Queens birthday. Fatties stop the charade and embrace your blubber cause your before and after shots will still be the same.... Done with a wide lens. 

 

9.) Learn another language - Why don't you start with learning English properly you sentence mangling, word mispronouncing, poor spelling mongoloids. Go on learn the German swear word for saying someone is inept at preparing chicken for dinner so when you do your over forties European bus tour you can converse with the locals for all of 5 seconds. Not that they will understand that 5 seconds due to your inflections being all wrong, but hey least you can pat your back to till the vertebrae gets bent out of shape.

Read more: Top 10 New Years Resolutions We Know You Won't Stick To....
 

How Tiki Tane Stole Christmas By Dr. Sux

 

Every Moron Down in Taurangaville Liked Christmas a lot...

But the Tiki Tane Grinch,Who lived just south of Taurangaville, Did NOT!

Tiki Tane hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that his guitar playing wasn't that tight.

Read more: How Tiki Tane Stole Christmas By Dr. Sux
 

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